Negatives are Positive, but Positives are Negative

But positives are still positive!!

So. I guess y'all have been enjoying my blog, and therefore karma couldn't just let this surgery be the end all be all of my story. So there's been a little twist in my plot. 

The last three days have once again succeeded in filling my mind with information and confusion, percentages, and no direct right or wrong answer. 

We went back to the surgeon Tuesday. I've been waiting with cautious optimism as you know, because although I was told the lymph nodes were clean, I still hadn't been told face to "conscious" face. Was this THE end?  My cancer story lasted a whopping 63 days??  

She explained that while my lymph nodes were clear (negative for invasion... This is positive!), the tissue they removed was sent for pathology, and here they found that a small number of slides showed positive margins (positive being negative, not all the cancerous tissue was removed.  A pathologist wants to see a nice border of good tissue around the bad to know it was adequately removed. If the bad is part of the margin, you can't rule out that some was left behind). 

Whomp, whomp.

She says this is not an unusual finding with this type of mastectomy. In short, as you get closer to the nipple, there is not much separating the duct from the skin.  She must scrape enough breast tissue away while still not damaging the skin, leaving it nonviable for repair.  

So my first thought is: Cut more!!  Open my suture, take more out, use a graft to patch!  (Because I'm sure I've seen this on ER  from 10 years ago or nip/tuck and totally know what I'm talking about). She said nothing was attached TO the skin therefore she really wouldn't know where to look.  She said what we may be looking for is microscopic. It could be barely the surface of cells.  

She states that I may now need radiation. 

Hold up. 

The reason I chose to go full monty mastectomy is that all would be removed and I wouldn't need to do radiation. She says, "Yeah......"   I said, "yeah..."

So I get a new doctor. For radiation. 

Next day is back to my oncologist. She re-explains the findings and also says that my case will be taken before the tumor board where they re-examine the slides, determine if this may be a false positive, and discuss additional treatments.  

She also says that this changes my time-frames.  Originally I was going to do expansion. Let that heal and stretch a while, then do the final implant in about 3-4 months from now. She now says that if I do radiation, this is a 5-6 week therapy after all my expansion is done. Then they do not touch the area (she referred to it as the "battlefield".  I like that.)  again for 6 months after radiation is completed.  So now I may not be looking at this being over for another year?

She says, "I'm sorry, I know you were expecting us to say we didn't need to see you again."  Um.... yeah.....

Today I saw my ps for my first expansion.  The tray in the room was set up with a giant syringe and big needle.  This was gonna be fun!

We talked first though about the findings and potentials for my outcomes.  He said, in short, that radiation does damage skin.  It can cause contracture in an area that we are trying to gently expand and let heal.  He said if they determine that the radiation has damaged the skin too much, that they may need a graft from my back to replace skin at the time they do my final implant.  (Again, a procedure I was trying to avoid in the first place.)  But this may mean that this questionable, yet irradiated, tissue is removed in the end. 

He located the port to inject the saline, and held the Ron Popeil turkey flavor injector over me.  "Ready?  I'm going to try to inject 50 cc's, unless you're a wimp."  I like this guy.

This went fine, I didn't feel a thing, and I don't notice a huge difference.  

He said I'm free and clear to do anything physical as long as I feel ok.  Lifting?  He said yes.  I said, no, like LIFTING, as in like..... man weights lifting........  he laughed.  He said I can do anything as long as it doesn't hurt.  I am not going to break anything, make anything explode, or make anything migrate to where it shouldn't belong.

This radiation thing is really a tough call.  Dr. Google says that my chance of recurrence on the left is low.  It also says that there is low chance of occurence of lung or opposite breast cancer from the radiation itself.  So what do I do?? 

Nothing? Ride the chance that what is left will never develop into anything more?  Take the "do everything you can" approach and do radiation to smite what cells are left, and have to live with regular monitoring?  And then if it does recur, what more can you take?  You kinda took it!  Kick myself if the ass years down the line if I develop something else because the radiation caused it?     

All of these are small, small chances.  I have to have more frequent monitoring anyway, so that's a moot point.   But I just feel this was supposed to be a black and white treatment.  Take it all, and it's done.  But I know better than to think anything in life doesn't come so easy.  So I will research, and ask, and think, and pray, and decide.  The right answer for me will come to me, and this will turn out ok.  

I read what someone said in the Runners Magazine I got today and it kind of spoke to me.
  

Running doesn't always answer the big question, 

but it feels like it does.  

It may not solve the problem, but it feels like it does. 

Whatever this is for you, running, yoga, prayer, fishing, you just need that time to sort this out, and things clear out.  Focusing away from all the numbers, risks, percentages, pros, cons, that's why it was a big deal for him to let me get back to doing activity.  It's how I make room for this shit.  

I forgot a little bit about my ps appointment from last week.  Being the beginning of October and Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I was greeted with a pink rose when I signed in for my appointment.  (I also totally took the free pink pen they offered because hello! CUTE!)

There were about 6 people in the waiting room.  Another woman and I had a rose.  (The older man next to me was jealous.  "Hey what do I have to do to get flowers around here?"  Uh apparently get breast cancer.)   

Maybe this is HIPPA-bad, but with this rose you knew who was "in the club".  All this pink I see this month, I have to see that that's for me.  And again, I struggle with this!  Even with a damn mastectomy, I don't feel like I've "survived" or "fought", I'm certainly not suffering.  I'm a new member for sure.  And over the last three days, I learned that my membership is gonna be longer that expected.  So I continue to look at my rose in the vase, and remind myself to be the strength for others that are physically fighting, or fought and lost.  I have a battle scar for sure, but I'm still up and fighting.  And I take pride in that rose and in being part of this club.