Weight Off My Shoulders, and Up in the Air

I.  Am.  Done. 

33 radiation treatments done over 6 weeks.  It seemed like it was going to be a long time, and then - it was over.

B- looks rough but actually fared better than the doctors and nurses expected.  The skin is red, peeling, dry, like a good sunburn.  The scar area is contracted.  And even though I'm done the effects continue to work for about two weeks, so it may continue to cook on the inside.  I said to Chris that I seriously feel like B- is warmer to the touch that B+.  I suppose that makes sense.  It's just strange.

I had my last day of radiation all planned out.  It was supposed to be Wednesday the 17th.  Be done by 8:30 am, grab a coffee, and head to the spa to use a gift certificate that I've been holding on to since May.  It was for Mother's Day/post-Marathon treat.  Of course with a marathon if you get through it with all your toenails intact you're lucky.  I did not, definitely bruised, sore, and I lost 1.5 of them.  So pedi had to wait.  

This last day was gonna be IT!  But Monday evening they call me to tell me the machine had broke, and a new part was being installed the next day, so no patients could be treated.  That bumped my last day to Thursday, and I would get to treat myself on my last day to.... work.  Whomp whomp.

I had one last check-in with my doctor.  I could only ask her, "what happens now?"  She said they continue to monitor, both with scans and with palpation.  And that just seemed, after all this, so... simple?  And my inner voice kept shouting at her, "NO ONE FELT ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE!!"  In my head, by the time someone (someone, lol, anyone, random stranger) is feeling something on me, it's gone too far.  And this tucks back into the little box in my head labelled "scary stuff". 

We shall see.

But after that last day, I felt a sense of relief and freedom that I hadn't felt in a long time.  Everyday from July 18th to December 18 was CANCER.  And somehow that day, leaving the hospital I felt DONE!  I have a bunch of appointments in January.  And I know obviously it's not over.  In a minimum of 6 months I start a process of reconstruction.  Can't be setting of metal alarms forever!  But that's gonna have to fit around some planned activities.  (more on that later!)

I've gotten back into the gym.  It's been interesting to analyze myself and where I've gotten weak.  Seems to be my shoulder and chest is getting stronger, by oddly enough my right shoulder and core are not feeling 100%.  Can't hold planks like I used to, and my right shoulder fatigues quicker now.  Just things to work on.  

In the gym last week, I was doing shoulder press.  Chris was spotting me since my left shoulder is still a little wonky.  Did 25's no problem. Did 30's not bad.  Tried 35's.  These used to be no problem.  But I could feel the left getting goofy and I relied on the support of the seat back.  

An older man came up to Chris as he was re-racking my weights (that's what the trainers should do lol)  He told him I should lower my weights and bring my seat angle back, he said I have a weak back.  Chris said thanks, and the guy walked on.  Chris told me what he had said.  

"Weak back!  No shit Sherlock, I have half a chest too!  
Whadya recommend for that!"  
(Again my shouty inner voice.)

I picked up the 40's .  (Because I'm spiteful.)

I put them back down.  (Because he messed with my head.  And they were heavy.)

Not happening today.  Probably next week.  

I thank you all so. much. for reading the post on Baby Gavin last time.  The prayers and any donations you sent are an amazing blessing for him and his family.  I know he got to spend Christmas at home.  And back on with the fight they go.  

Cancer is Bullshit

I'm so full of thoughts and emotions that I'm sitting in radiation right now typing this out on my phone because I have to get it out. I don't know what to do. What to think.  It's kind of an angry helpless mix.

I am about to be done with radiation next week. Leaving with not much more than a peeling sunburn-like irritation. I show up, I lay down.  Zap zap.  I'm out.  10 minutes in and out.  On with my day.  My sports bra bothers it, I take it off. Simple as that. I bitch. I moan. I can do whatever I want.

Mine ain't shit.  

My cousins' son is 4 months old. (She's my husbands' cousin technically. Whatever.)

His name is Gavin. I haven't met him yet as they live in Vermont. He's cute as hell.

He was recently diagnosed with AT/RT. Atypical Teratoid Rhabdoid Tumor.  A congenital brain tumor. 

He is 4 months old.

He had a surgery to remove the tumor they felt on his neck. He has had scans which have shown that this aggressive cancer has NOT spread so far.

He is about to start 18 weeks of chemotherapy. Mainly in-patient. Then he will need a bone marrow transplant.

He is 4. months. old.  

He will receive more weeks of chemo than he's been on this earth at this point.  

His family will be separated. Mom will stay often with him in the hospital. Dad will carry on at home with their two other kids.  Losses of income, stability.  But you can't look at that little face and have any loss of faith and hope and will.  

You know I say "why not me", like I'm some badass.  But all I can think right now is "why?"  And I want to do something. Anger is a great motivator.  

I've already taken some steps; adding a new chapter to my book.  Maybe I'm rewriting it.  

Holidays are tight for everyone.  God knows I know.  Click here for

Team Gavin's Support Page

If you can donate to this family,

if you can donate to some family you know who is fighting,

if the most you can do is pray for this baby and any other, every other,

then you are helping.