I had two follow ups last Wednesday. One with the oncologist and one with the ps. I didn't expect she had anything much to tell me. I had done the treatments, I knew things were looking better.
The nurse took my vitals and weight (let's not go there mmkay?) and then was talking to herself about whether I needed blood work. Hell if I know! I just show up when I'm supposed to!
She came in and pretty much asked me 328 questions about how I was, and I reported everything was seeming pretty well! She kind of acted surprised. She seemed REALLY surprised that I had lowered my dose of Lexapro to the minimum. I wasn't taking it for anything to do with this, I had started it for bad PMS.
And then you get cancer.
And then PMS seems stupid.
But then you can't just stop Lexapro cold turkey - as I read "it's like throwing your brain off a cliff". So I'm weaning off.
She checked everything out and then was looking to coordinate my next steps, mammos and MRI's. I should get a mammo in 6 months, and an MRI in December - once the exchange and reconstruction is done. Then probably alternate every 6 months after that.
This was all yada yada yada in my head. I got right to what was on MY mind:
"Based on your experience with a case like mine, and now having done radiation, what do you think is (waving over B-) in there?"
"Is it dead?"
She says, "I would say yes."
I didn't burst into tears or throw my hands up in relief. I just nodded and said ok.
Why doesn't this make me feel better?!?
I know why really, I'm just a black and white person when it comes to this. You have it or you don't. I logically know about the percentages and I know my treatment reduced everything to the lowest possible point, but still, I have the feeling that I am still only cautiously optimistic until the MRI in December. I'm not going to be a crazy head-case until then and lose sleep and worry. I just want something on paper to confirm. I want someone looking IN there and confirming that it is indeed, dead.
After this appointment I went straight to the ps. He said I was healing well. He also said I've rotated my expander. Oops. My guess is maybe since its gotten more comfortable to sleep on my left that I'm kind of mashing it around a little? To me this thing doesn't move at all, but somehow I smooshed it over or around or west or whatever. He said "Don't worry, I'll fix it." Awesome.
He said he has no way to tell what damage if any has been done to the pocket by the radiation. The area will continue to heal for 6 months so from now on there can be continued contraction, scarring and skin issues. He said that while at times they just go back near the main incision to do the swap, that if he foresees any problem, he'll instead make a new incision underneath the breast and swap it from there. Yeah baby, more scars.
I asked him how long the recovery usually is. "Cause I got things to do!" is how I phrased it. I have a Spartan Super run June 20th, and the Surftown Half Marathon in early September. So I'm open for a little boob job anywhere in the middle there.
Oh yes Cancer, you work around MY schedule now.....
He states usually two weeks. So July may be good! Nice birthday gift to myself huh??
He said he doesn't really need to see me again till we're ready to nail down a date. Until then I have one more follow up with the radiation oncologist, and maybe the surgeon? Have to check my book. But its damn nice to see the calendar filling in with events and possible runs and all this other good stuff besides doctor's appointments.
I'm picking up my running again. I have made a couple crazy-ass deals with friends over all this. One being the triathlon. What's nice is that there are some indoor kinds that I think are manageable for me as a total beginner. I have nowhere to swim!! I have a $99 bike from Target. Seriously not competitive here. But actually I'm finding some workable options!
The other one I got roped into thanks to a little wine and crazy New Years resolutions (actually it's just because I blindly say yes to everything) is to run 2015 miles in 2015. And this can be split among people, and I'm doing it with a grand total of ONE other people. So if Fair Oaks math serves me right I have... 1007... and a half..... miles to bang out this year.
I really need like.... 2015 other people to share the load with right now. Anyone? Bueller?
I tried to run 1000 in 2013. I got to 666 or 669. That's kinda close.
