Goals. Met. Missed. Made.

December 9th brought a day of tests.  One mammo, one ultrasound, one MRI.  These actually should be mammo and US, and six months later the MRI, and alternate like that.  However, I had some suspect cysts on B+ 6 months ago, so this was a follow up on that.

The fantastic thing about an online patient portal  is having all your reports and info available for those of us with OCD who like refreshing the page until the report is available far earlier than one will get a phone call from the doctor (in most cases).

Refresh

Refresh

Refresh

Benign.  B- and B+ aced their tests.

And so far B- is continuing to show improvement in the "Keep your shit together... literally" category.  

I followed up with the oncologist a few days later.  Knowing my films were clean, I was curious as to what she'd have to say.

She didn't have much at all to say actually.  She was funny though, saying, "My mind is only drawn to the abnormal".  Essentially meaning, "I have no use for you anymore".  I plan to have no use for her anymore either. 

I did ask her what my "numbers" were.  This doctor is very knowledgeable is the stats and risks.  She came back stating that some new information she had learned at a recent conference gives me a blanket risk of 6-10% by 10 years on the left, and 3-6% by 10 years on the right.  (It's essentially 0.3 to 0.6% per year for the next 10 years.  Is my math right?)  Had I not done radiation, it would be higher.  IF I had been BRCA+ it would be nearly 50%.

I started off 2015 with balls to the wall intentions of hitting a few goals.  They're still written on my Resolution board that everyone writes on at our New Year's Eve Party.  Let's see how I fared, shall we?

Spartan Trifecta - So. Close.  Like by DAYS close.  This was pretty disappointing.  You can read about the Beast, Super, and the Sprint Not Meant to Be.  Do I plan on trying for the Trifecta again?  I don't really know yet.  The Beast was... brutal.  The Super was a little better I suppose since I knew my limits from what I experienced at the Beast.  Suffice it to say there was crying after the Beast, and no crying after the Super. If the Beast isn't in Jersey again?  Maybe.  (Update!  I see now there is a Spartan Delta??  Oh wait... I gotta do an Ultra Beast?  This would probably result in ultra crying. Yeah, this probably won't be happening.  Curse you and your fancy shiny medals!)

Triathlon - A bet made to me by an old friend.  I'd do tri, and she'd do her first half.  I think I swam.... once in 2015, so we'll assume this didn't happen.  I actually still would like to try one one day.  They have mini-indoor ones that I think I could use to get my feet (actually) wet.  This is still a possibility.

50% of 2015 miles run in 2015.  Unless I can bang out 916 miles by Thursday, this doesn't look good. There are some runs I didn't log I know... not 916 miles worth.  I've already been asked to renew this goal... this one I will give my best shot.  (oh wait, it's now 50% of 2016 miles?! That's just ludicrous.)      

Half Marathon - This was the one I deferred from the year earlier.  And the one that suffered from the (near literal) fall-out of B-'s failure.  BUT, I walk/ran the 5K, and it felt good to be in that scene again.  I kind of like the half-marathon distance.  I'd love to do at least one this year.  I'd love to do the Wineglass Half (obvs) if I get my crap together to sign up.  I want to do some 5K's and I've never officially done a 10K so maybe we'll cross that off the list this year too.  

87% Plant Based Eating - This is a topic that brings up a lot of discussion.  I follow a lot of different blogs and FB pages on eating.  First and foremost because I like all.the.food.  I have friends who eat Paleo, Keto, and Spaghetti-o.  My 10 year old claims he is Flexitarian and generally chooses very little meat and all the veggies and sides.  My 7 year old likes a meatball sub, add pepperoni... that's it.  He's quite the carnivore.

During my downtime this year I watched an interesting movie called "Forks Over Knives."  All I'll say is that is opens your eyes to how food affects you, and how it can hurt or help you.  It wasn't new information to me per se, but I think I just saw things from a different perspective now.

As a bit of an experiment, Chris and I have gone meat free.  Chris is like 100% on it.  No meat, no fish, almost no eggs.  Chris has had his own health concerns this year, (because if you're gonna burn up that health insurance, light that shit up BIG!) so the information here appealed to him as well.

I on the other hand, do not envision a world without sushi.  We've been doing this since August I think.  Do I steal a pepperoni off the kids pizza?  Yes.  Did I eat a little turkey at Christmas?  Yes.  But not at Thanksgiving.  (I lie, I ate turkey skin, because turkey skin.)  So truly I am pretty majority plant based.

I must say, I feel really really good since eating this way.  I dropped a few pounds, my hair seriously grew a ton, and I feel much less lethargic into the afternoon.  That's what I can report so far!  Chris also feels really good and has no plan to flex.

I'm not going to argue one way or another about what WOE is right or wrong.  Keto people see great results, and vegan or plant based athletes have amazing results.  Studies show support for both.  What caught my eye were the studies on how plant vs. meat may have effects on cancer.  At the same time, cancer absolutely affects those who have gone years and years never eating meat.  Your genes are your genes, can't change 'em.  If eating this way simply gets me eating more veggies, increases my home cooking, and makes me feel good - then I'm for it.

Yoga Certification - Hey!  This one actually happened!! I am now a Level I Certified Yoga Instructor.  I'm going to spend more time developing some nice beginner classes and hopefully teach.  I also want to use my TRX cert as well.  

I told myself I wasn't going back to the gym till January 1st.  But I've been back a month or so.  I am doing no chest work.  Very light back, shoulders, arms, and legs.  I tried the other day to do a modified push up.  I can lower down about 1/3rd of the way and then I just keep falling (carefully).  There is no pec strength up in here.  There is definitely no UP to my PUSH.  I remember when I had a goal of one pull up.  I think goal number 1 this year is one push up.  Takin it back to basics.  

Ok, what are your goals for twentysixteen???  Mine is one push up.  Give me something more than that.

The Issue With the Tissue

So, as usual, I have no news for you..... unless it's juicy.....

Grab a drink.  It's a long one.....

I left off here in June.  My exchange surgery was scheduled.  I also went to a Breast Cancer Yoga Certification course in Long Island... (or is it ON Long Island?).  So let me tell you about that first!

Not Long Island, but I was here and it was awesome

Breast Cancer Yoga
Generally speaking, it is not handstands and pretzels and contortions.  It's a restorative practice, focusing on gentle stretching and relaxation with full use of props such as blocks or bolsters so as to let your body deeply relax and focus on the breath.  It's tremendously beneficial mentally as well, allowing much of the stress and anxiety that often surrounds us during treatments to be relieved.

I have a lot to learn about yoga, which is kind of overwhelming for me.  I took this class with 4 other great women who have been practicing and teaching for many years and I felt a little out of place.  However, they were welcoming and warm and I learned a lot from them.

The Spartan Super!
I completed the Spartan Super!  This was a roughly 8 mile event on a Massachusetts farm.  Read: FLAT. So happy.  The morning weather was a pouring rain though, which pretty much left the entire 8 miles a path of thick, knee deep mud, and rivers so dirty you couldn't see your footing.  Plus a mix of natural "farm product" running off from the cows nearby.  So.  Even though it was flat, we had to take it so slowly to not break our necks or ankles negotiating the land!

Me and THE OCR Princess, making the photos worth the effort

This left the Spartan Sprint - the shortest distance - that would complete my Trifecta.  This was coming in August.

Surgery. Part I
My exchange surgery was July 10th and was pretty uneventful.  The ps swapped out the expander for what was to be the permanent silicone implant.  He was pleased with the outcome.  I had essentially no pain after! This is an outpatient surgery; got it done in the morning, and went home and had lunch!  Feeling good!! Ready to move on!!

The ps advised me to not move my arm above my shoulder for a period of time.  And I listened.  When he told me I could start increasing activity as long as I felt ok, I did.  Treadmill, range of motion, VERY light weights.  Like, not struggling at all.  Basically something to hold on to while my main intention was range of motion.  I felt well, no pains, no problems.  Returned for a follow up, and all was looking well.

Houston.  We Have a Problem.
This brings us to August 21st.  Our anniversary.  Long story short - because it is short (but a little gruesome if you want to skip it)..... somehow.... I accidentally rolled over in bed towards face down, shifted myself along the bed with my arm to re-position myself and then felt a weird sense.  Like my skin was pinched but not painful- right over B-.  I felt over it- and felt a gap.  In the dark I pretty much leapt to the bathroom in two steps, took one quick look at my hand, saw blood, and said to Chris, 'we have to go, we have to go'.  I grabbed a nearby bath towel to hold over it, and we left for the ER. Thank God the kids were sleeping over at my parents.

I walked into the ER, and the nurse asked, "What seems to be the problem?"  And, as you do with BC and you generally end up showing your boobs to everyone freely, I lifted my shirt and she said, "OK then, right over here."

In shifting myself a couple inches across my bed I essentially dragged my full incision apart.  

B-'s new grade- F... -

The attending doctor called my ps, who was out of town of course.  Because if you're a doctor when does the shit hit the fan with your patients- Friday nights, Christmas Eve, the day you leave for vacation.  He advised her to close it with stitches and be at his office Tuesday.

Aww, my first stitches!!  I beat my two boys to them.  Since I'm still numb over a majority of the area I didn't really feel the numbing shot, or the stitches being done.  Very Patrick Swayze Roadhouse of me. (Please don't remake that with Rousey... just, no.)

She stitched me up with 10 stitches, spaced across the wound, though the medial side was still a little open.  It looked as sad and as temporary as it was meant to be.  An attempt to just hold everything inside till I could see my ps.  I proceeded the next day to go to a friends' birthday party and feel like Debbie Downer with news of the prior evening's events.  I kept checking (probably not discreetly) to see that I wasn't unraveling.

The next few days were not fun.  But I had no pain.  None.  I thought that was so strange.

So Tuesday comes and I go to the ps.  All the feelings of the prior four days- fear, anxiety, failure (like my body failed me; or I failed my body), shame (like I did something to cause this) came to the breaking point. Up to this point I hadn't really cried, not even in the ER.

The ps walked in and says, "What the hell happened?" and I said, "I broke it." and just started to cry.

He assured me that I didn't cause this and that while it was "unusual" (Read: I don't think this has ever happened before.) to have this happen 6 weeks out from the surgery, that working with radiated tissue is hard, it's unpredictable.  Radiation essentially mutates the normal healing process of tissue.  Scars normally form in a cross linked pattern, but in tissue that's been radiated, the pattern can be only unilateral.  This leads to a loss of tensile strength.  I had been noticing since the surgery, once the Dermabond glue was gone, that the medial side of the scar was butted together, but the skin didn't seem as well bonded and looking like a scar was forming as it did on the lateral side.  There's no way to know how it was healing under the surface either, well, until it blew out.

He noted the good news, it wasn't "as bad" as he was anticipating, and there was no skin loss.  However, this would require another surgery.  The integrity of the reconstruction was now lost, and he would have to revise the scar.  This time he would use a graft to bolster under the scar.  "I want staples." I said.  Well... before that I said, "Just take the whole thing out."  I was just done.

He came back with the paperwork to schedule the surgery and went over the procedure and standard risks involved: infection, seroma, wound healing problems (and we sort of laughed at that one) death etc..  I signed away and was ready to go a week later.

To Trifecta, or Not to Trifecta
But in a few days, the day before the surgery to be exact, was the Spartan Sprint.  This was the final literal piece of my pie medal.  The three pieces fit together to make one big medal.  I at first was all, "Eff this!!  I'm going, and I'll skip all the obstacles, and I'll squat instead of burpee, and I'll bandage it real good, and tape plastic wrap around that so nothing gets in!"

But the day before the run, common sense powered through.  I had heard the course was more like 5 miles than 3.  And I just didn't have the energy to try to go.  I also figured my doctor may not be thrilled that less than 24 hours before surgery I was knee-deep in stagnant, muddy, farm fecal, probably necrotizing fasciitis-y mud.  So I sent Chris without me, and ate my $45.  

This was honestly the lowest I had felt in the whole near-year since my diagnosis.  I was just lost.  To come back up from activity from last year, to returning to it after the July surgery, only to lose it again.  And I was just so angry - the "cancer" part was taken care of a year ago.... all this shit is the "reconstruction".  I questioned that I should've just stopped at the mastectomy.  I also had already downgraded my upcoming half-marathon to a 5K, and now that was in jeopardy of not happening.  When these activities have become an outlet for your stress and anxiety or depression and they just make you feel good and strong and then you can't??  It's shitty.  

 Oh and then!  A few nights before I was half listening to ABC World News.  All the bad news was front and center, but my ear caught this, "After the break, why a study says that aggressive treatments for a type of breast cancer may not be necessary."

You don't say.  Oh the irony.....

AND what's worse!  They didn't even go into it!  They gave about 7 seconds to it and just said that treatments such as mastectomies or radiation may not be necessary.

Yeah, you said that.  

So I had to Google this up.  THIS is a bit of a summary of the study.  And even taking away the news drama spin, it's still a little confusing to interpret the information.  “The study showed that even though a lumpectomy can reduce the risk of a recurrence developing in the same breast, it does not change the risk of dying from the disease,” said Dr. Kramer. “This suggests that what you do locally to treat DCIS may not affect the risk of dying, which is the most important outcome.” Huh?  "In another finding, 517 women diagnosed with DCIS died of breast cancer without ever developing an invasive cancer in the same or other breast prior to death.  Some cases of DCIS may have an 'inherent potential' to spread to other parts of the body."  What?!  I do know this is true of many cancers, but still... in what you read on DCIS, you'll find "Stage 0", "Pre-Cancer", arguments whether its even cancer at all (which kind of pisses me off) and all these seemingly "good" sounding terms.... oh but wait, it can pop up somewhere else and take you out.  Awesome.  

I had to read this a few times and this is MY general understanding.  Treatments today, and the intention of the doctors and patient, are to aim to reduce recurrence and ultimately death, but studies show in the end it seems to lower only the risk of recurrence and not death.  Treatment doesn't seem to lower the risk of both. AND because the risk of dying from this type is so low, that there is a question to perform an aggressive treatment in the first place.  The study states it provides a case for not rushing a woman from diagnosis to surgery in a short amount of time.  These changes have been implemented for men with prostate cancer; while once treated with quick surgery, now are managed with follow-up and regular screening.  

While this IS an option in DCIS, treatment plans are determined on many things, including age and family history, among others.  

Medicine isn't perfect, it's not textbook.  The studies are done on a population of people, and those results are extrapolated to give statistics- risks and percentages.  They are not set in stone.  They are used to determine the best possible course of care.    

So in my case, and in the cases of women who are diagnosed everyday and are thrown into the confusing swarm of information and numbers and percentages, you do what you do with the information you are given.  And why wouldn't you want to do everything you could to drop that risk factor, that percentage down as low as possible! 

Surgery Part 2 ( Actually 3 )
I showed up at 5:45 a.m. and got all situated.  After FOUR failed attempts to start my IV, of which each time resulted in crazy ass swelling around where they tried to start, they called in the big guns.  This older woman who looked like she was on the 14th of her 12 hour shift.  She flicked her finger 231 times against the little vein between my 1st and 2nd knuckle.  So while the other area were bruising after the needle, we were gonna tenderize this spot first, THEN jam a needle in it.  This is for my own good, this is for my own good.

Sleepy meds, nighty night, and I was out.  Woke up later WAY more sore than the July surgery.  Long story short, he secured the shit out of it.  One running zipper stitch PLUS thick crusty superglue over it.  PLUS 8 little stitches around that.  Those are the ones that secured the graft under the incision.  He also swapped out my implant for one slightly smaller because he tried to replace the one I had, but since he had to cut away the last scar, I had less tissue to close, and he felt it would be too much tension.  So I already have gotten a reduction.  Whomp whomp.

B-'s new grade- F-........ A---

Reading operative reports is fun too.  I found out the reason I was so friggen sore on the outer edge of B- over to my ribs and up under my collarbone was because he had to scrape the tissue apart due to contraction of the capsule to increase the pocket for the implant.  Sort of like when you separate the skin of your turkey from the meat to jam a stick of butter in there?  That's what he did, without butter.  Holy cow, so sore.  

Surftown Half Marathon/5k Run/Walk/Maybe I'll try a little run 
I made up my mind to show up to this.  I would walk the three miles, and take my medal.  The damn environment and crowds suck you in though.  I wanted to run.  I walked across the starting line and thought, "Damn, this is depressing." And then I walked by the first photographer and thought "Oh hell no, we can't have this."  So by the second photographer, I broke into a little trot that may or may not come across like a run, enough for the camera, then I walked again.  

Once I got to the 2 mile marker, that was it... one to go.  I broke into a jog, holding my left arm against me (amazing form there).  I definitely felt it but not awful.  With probably a half mile to go, I slowly let the left arm down and gently let the arm go with my movement.  I ran that mile and finished. I took my medal, walked over to the side, and again, probably not discreetly, checked down my bra to make sure I was intact.  All was good.

 When you sort of run and walk for 40 minutes

you risk severe dehydration and therefore

two beers are necessary.

I had a follow up yesterday and he didn't take the stitches out yet because there's still a lot of glue over it.  I said I don't mind at all.  And he said again, "It's really unusual that this happened 6 weeks after that first surgery."  Read: I've never seen this happen, you probably effed it up somehow, but I don't want you to feel bad or cry, so we call this "unusual".  I'm technically only 2 weeks and 2 days out from surgery.  I ran a mile.  I need to get to 6 weeks.  Actually I won't be fine until December 17th, a year from when I finished radiation.  Because the opinion is out there that the tissue isn't "normal" again till a year after radiation.  (PS doesn't agree, and many studies I read on post-radiation reconstruction also disagree)  But I'll tell you what.  I don't trust it.  I'm afraid to move, I won't lift.  I quit the damn gym so I wouldn't have anywhere to go and be tempted to try to do something that might eff this up.  I am scared.  Honest to God over the past 2 weeks when I sneeze I feel it there and I'm convinced I am going to sneeze my boob apart.

Today is September 19th.  My mastectomy was 1 year ago today.  And as much as I thought and hoped, the ride isn't over yet.  I just went to my first pity party, it sucked, and I'm going to ghost outta there, kinda like I do at other parties!  Give it the Irish Good-bye.

I'm sorry this is long.  You're probably drunk.  You're welcome.          

 

Does This Bra Come In a 34 D (x 1/2)?

The doctors appointments are ramping up! Someone's getting a boob for her birthday!!  My surgery is July 10 so I'll ring in 39 with a matched set!

About a month ago I finished the Spartan Beast in a speedy 8 hours. That was no joke. My brain said I was ready. My lungs however went on strike a few hundred yards in. I don't know what the hell happened but we started walking up the mountain and my lungs seized up. I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't seem to regulate it. I panicked that I was going to have to DNF this and it hadn't even been 20 minutes. I didn't know what was going on.

The obstacles were only ok. 19 walls.  Ok really 4 or 5 but really Spartan there's 13 miles to come up with more than the same "climb over the wall".   Monkey bars that I missed. Rope climb I skipped. Spear throw I nailed. But any incline, and it was legit stairway to heaven, and I was gasping. The weight of my camelback even bothered me. I only banged the underside of B- climbing over one wall so all in all that wasn't nearly the issue my breathing was. And it's so strange because I had been doing sprints and running treadmill, not up to 12-13 miles but I hadn't been experiencing any difficulty breathing like this.

Some research I had been doing could be a few things.   Post radiation effects leading to some lung capacity issues or possibly scarring.  Sometimes these side effects don't show up till about 6 months or more after you're done with treatment. Or red blood cell issues and some side effects of their oxygen carrying capacity. Like anemia. 

Or just my ass is out of shape.

So yesterday I started with a physical. I haven't seen this APRN in a year. She's the first one I mentioned my signs to and it steamrolled right downhill from there.  So we had some catching up.

I mentioned the SOB (that's shortness of breath not naming names or anything) and she said that could be a legit issue. She asked if I'd like an inhaler. I can use it as needed. My mind flashes to

Because I've never used one before.  (Although people were offering theirs to me at the Spartan, because I apparently looked like I was in some legitimate distress.)

So now I have an inhaler.  What's next.... floss?!?!?  Fallin' apart.

When I think back though, this shortness of breath has snuck up on me at other times. A patient mentioned I seemed out of breath after I had adjusted him, and he was by no means difficult to adjust; and other exercises such as KB swings or things that ramp up my heart rate a little just really gets me winded more now than after I had recently finished radiation.

In other boob news...

I have a wedding to attend to the end of the month. I bought a one shoulder black cocktail dress and went to have it altered wearing my VS strapless.  (The only one I own.) Seamstress said, "oh that bra is all wrong. Bend over, reach from the back and scoop it all in."

Well. One side scoops. The other is unscoopable. I explain my situation and said I'd like to avoid dropping money on another pricey bra as I have to get my system updated in July. So she understood but proceeds to measure me anyway. And around my ribs I'm a 34. So she says that's my band but seriously I've never worn a 34 in my life and then I'm revisioning the Oprah where they measure all the women and they're all in wrong bras and they're real sizes are 17P and they come out looking fabulous with their girls lifted off their bellies. She thinks I should try 34d's. I'm highly skeptical.

I proceed to re-re-measure myself and buy 27 bras online. And every one fit differently.

Bra shopping is a pitfa. And shopping for a half boob is a major pitfa. Shit actually B- stands on her own! She's my good cleavage!!

This weekend I go to Long Island to take a course in Breast Cancer Yoga Therapy.  I'm so excited!  I can't wait to start building this part of my life to help others. 

Spartan Super next week!  About 8 miles.  Shit I hope it's not on a mountain.  I'll still skip the rope climb.  But I'm going to defy my body here and keep pushing (and apparently puffing.)

6 Months (and a week or two) Post Surgery - Body and Mind

I was all set to write a more timely post about where I am 6 months after my surgery, but that didn't happen.  But this is just a quick update on where I am, what's going down, how it's hangin' (lopsided)

BODY

B- is doing really well.  Scars are nicely healed.  I have a lingering radiation tan but really most other times I can forget about it.  If I lie face down in bed or in yoga, there's a definite lump that isn't budging or smooshing around, but that's about it at this point.  

I no longer feel the intense coldness run through the left side of my chest when I drink something cold like I did before.  My PS didn't have an answer for that one either. 

My range of motion and strength is almost back.  I'll let you know after the Spartan Beast Run next weekend.  It's somewhere between 12 and 13 or 25 miles...  Rope climbs and stone lugging and monkey bars, oh my!  The surgery took alot out of my core to where I felt weaker there than in my arm and shoulder so I've been trying to focus on that.  I finally ran like 2 miles without stopping.  It felt really good to be out there but damn! I can't believe I covered 26.2 less than a year ago?!  If next week does me in then I shall read this-

  

MIND

Oh the mind is a funny thing.  Swinging wildly between "I forget this happened at all" to "Holy shit this is what I look like now... because of cancer."  But even when you've placed it far back your mind, it's still there.  And just because you got off easy, you see others aren't.

I was following a blog for a while written by Lisa Bonchek Adams.  She wrote of her cancer and her positive outlook and spirit was inspiring.  But over the last couple of months she began to update that her medications were no longer working, the side effects were becoming more severe, new areas of metastasis were showing up.  It seemed her Facebook updates were becoming shorter and shorter and in a span of a few weeks, her body lost the battle and she passed. 

I had a patient come in with her recent biopsy results positive for BC.  She gave me copies to keep in her file in case I needed them.  She had just learned, and didn't really even understand what they meant.

Another patient had her surgery a year ago.  She was sent for an MRI on her back because of lingering pain after a recent car accident, but the MRI picked up on possible metastasis in her spine.     

My main thoughts have been "How do I take this and turn it into something to give back, how do I use myself to help others who have been through it or are going through it?"  

I watched a great documentary on CPTV the other night.  The story of the research of cancer over the last few decades.  ANY breast cancer used to be treated with a radical mastectomy.  Then they developed the lumpectomy, and medications to suppress growth, and ways to examine one lymph node to determine if cancer has spread vs. removing more and prolonging recovery.  

It featured a young doctor, a breast cancer surgeon herself, who was diagnosed with a different type of cancer in each breast.  She underwent bilateral mastectomy and chemotherapy.  They featured her surgery, and it was so interesting to see it as if I was watching my own.  Taking out the sentinal lymph node, glowing bright blue with the isotope locator.  They send it to pathology and then they wait for them to call back- over the speaker in the OR, telling them if there is or is not cancer there before they either stop or search for more to test.  I held my breath for her, like I'm sure her doctors did.  

Throughout this, this doctor's spirit and attitude was amazing.  She had concerns about having lymphedema after her treatments, because it meant she may no longer be able to do surgery.  She said,

"There are some things you just are."  

This really struck me.  Because I just am a chiro!!  Not that I am only that, but this treating and physically working on people and helping them is what I just.... am!  If I couldn't do this anymore I seriously wouldn't know what to do.  But I have a need to do more, provide more.  I feel limited right now.  

SO!  DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! 

Like I said before, I feel so lucky that I came through this mostly unscathed, and if I did, then I owe it to myself and others to provide for those who need more.  "It's what I just am", or "do"... or "are".  One of those.

I am currently working on getting a group fitness instructor certification.  BUT my ultimate is to become a registered yoga teacher.  I am going to focus on rehab and recovery, specializing in cancer recovery and rehab (obvs!).  It's a natural adjunct to chiropractic, with a focus on mechanics and balance and stability, but the mental aspect of yoga struck me so much when I returned to it after my own surgery.  Feeling and immersing yourself in that peace and strength, when you're in possibly one of the most overwhelming and helpless times of your life - it's unbelievably powerful.   

I have more- but I have to like, actually work now....

I hope you let me throw some asanas up here for practice in the next few months.  Try them yourself!  And if you fall on your ass, read that top picture again.  

Is. It. Dead.

I had two follow ups last Wednesday.  One with the oncologist and one with the ps.  I didn't expect she had anything much to tell me.  I had done the treatments, I knew things were looking better.  

The nurse took my vitals and weight (let's not go there mmkay?) and then was talking to herself about whether I needed blood work.  Hell if I know!  I just show up when I'm supposed to!

She came in and pretty much asked me 328 questions about how I was, and I reported everything was seeming pretty well!  She kind of acted surprised.  She seemed REALLY surprised that I had lowered my dose of Lexapro to the minimum.  I wasn't taking it for anything to do with this, I had started it for bad PMS.  

And then you get cancer.  

And then PMS seems stupid.  

But then you can't just stop Lexapro cold turkey - as I read "it's like throwing your brain off a cliff".  So I'm weaning off.  

She checked everything out and then was looking to coordinate my next steps, mammos and MRI's.  I should get a mammo in 6 months, and an MRI in December - once the exchange and reconstruction is done.  Then probably alternate every 6 months after that.

This was all yada yada yada in my head.  I got right to what was on MY mind:

"Based on your experience with a case like mine, and now having done radiation, what do you think is (waving over B-) in there?"

"Is it dead?"

She says, "I would say yes."

I didn't burst into tears or throw my hands up in relief.  I just nodded and said ok.  

Why doesn't this make me feel better?!?

I know why really, I'm just a black and white person when it comes to this.  You have it or you don't.  I logically know about the percentages and I know my treatment reduced everything to the lowest possible point, but still, I have the feeling that I am still only cautiously optimistic until the MRI in December.  I'm not going to be a crazy head-case until then and lose sleep and worry.  I just want something on paper to confirm.  I want someone looking IN there and confirming that it is indeed, dead.  

After this appointment I went straight to the ps.  He said I was healing well.  He also said I've rotated my expander.  Oops.  My guess is maybe since its gotten more comfortable to sleep on my left that I'm kind of mashing it around a little?  To me this thing doesn't move at all, but somehow I smooshed it over or around or west or whatever.  He said "Don't worry, I'll fix it."  Awesome.  

He said he has no way to tell what damage if any has been done to the pocket by the radiation.  The area will continue to heal for 6 months so from now on there can be continued contraction, scarring and skin issues.  He said that while at times they just go back near the main incision to do the swap, that if he foresees any problem, he'll instead make a new incision underneath the breast and swap it from there.  Yeah baby, more scars.

I asked him how long the recovery usually is. "Cause I got things to do!" is how I phrased it.  I have a Spartan Super run June 20th, and the Surftown Half Marathon in early September.  So I'm open for a little boob job anywhere in the middle there.  

Oh yes Cancer, you work around MY schedule now.....

He states usually two weeks.  So July may be good!  Nice birthday gift to myself huh??  

He said he doesn't really need to see me again till we're ready to nail down a date.  Until then I have one more follow up with the radiation oncologist, and maybe the surgeon?  Have to check my book.  But its damn nice to see the calendar filling in with events and possible runs and all this other good stuff besides doctor's appointments.  

I'm picking up my running again.  I have made a couple crazy-ass deals with friends over all this.  One being the triathlon.  What's nice is that there are some indoor kinds that I think are manageable for me as a total beginner.  I have nowhere to swim!!  I have a $99 bike from Target.  Seriously not competitive here.  But actually I'm finding some workable options! 

The other one I got roped into thanks to a little wine and crazy New Years resolutions (actually it's just because I blindly say yes to everything) is to run 2015 miles in 2015.  And this can be split among people, and I'm doing it with a grand total of ONE other people.  So if Fair Oaks math serves me right I have... 1007...  and a half..... miles to bang out this year.  

I really need like.... 2015 other people to share the load with right now.  Anyone?  Bueller?

I tried to run 1000 in 2013.  I got to 666 or 669.  That's kinda close.